relaxing Archives - Francine Kelley, LCPC, SEP, RYT500

New possibilities for compassionate transformation

Happy New Year!

I love this time of year. It feels so fresh with possibilities. But that’s an illusion, though, right? Every moment of every day is fresh with possibilities. Yet maybe it’s the collective agreement about the specialness of the New Year that provides an extra wave of optimism that we can use to feed our own New Year resolutions. I’ve also noticed a growing wave of cynicism this year. There seems to be an expectation that no matter what your resolution is, it won’t take long for it to fade away. Again, that may be a collective tendency, but why assume that will be the case for you? We don’t have to be victims of the collective influence.

When we choose to do something different with ourselves, we almost always move away from a comfort zone and toward something we have to learn to be comfortable with. New possibilities can trigger the fears that live below the surface of our minds. Years ago I was talking with my husband about an issue I had been struggling with for a long time. “Why can’t I just let this go?” I wondered. He offered (and I accepted!) the possibility that it was because I had held on to this way of thinking for so long and it had become a part of me. He suggested that it was because I didn’t know who I would be without it that I chose to hold on.

Sometimes we hold on to the most uncomfortable aspects of ourselves because they are familiar. We are afraid of who we might be without them – afraid of the unknown and unfamiliar. Fear is a powerful motivator – you only have to look around at the political and economic climate to see evidence of that. Fear sells a lot of products, garners a lot of votes and keeps the status quo in place. Even the prophecy around 2012 is feeding into that collective fear which affects us all and yet goes largely unacknowledged. Fear can also warn us of impending danger, or be an indicator that we’re growing out of our comfort zone – it’s all about how we choose to see it.

I believe that we each are integral parts of the collective that is humanity. Goswami Kriyananda writes that we are each “microcosms of the macrocosm.” From this perspective, when one of us makes a change to our way of thinking or being in the world, it creates a ripple that affects the whole collective.

So what if we were to create ripples or even waves of change this year by acknowledging and stepping out of the vortex of the collective fear of gloom & doom through the recognition of our individual fears? I don’t mean “fighting” or “pushing through” or “ignoring” your fear. Just being willing to see it with compassion is itself a revolutionary act of courage.

Sometimes just seeing clearly is all it takes to recognize anticipation of the new versus an actual threat to well-being. Imagine if, as a collective, humanity could recognize change as a marvelous potentiality versus impending doom & destruction. In a comment to a post about Fear as Opportunity that I wrote in 2010, a reader named Christine offered a wonderful mantra she uses when faced with fear: “I am willing to dance with you.” I think that just about sums it up.

So how do we cultivate this capacity to view ourselves compassionately? I offer below a version of the Buddhist Metta meditation that has helped me to cultivate self-compassion. It has helped me in the process of acknowledging, and in many cases moving beyond, the many fears that held me hostage for years.

Have I overcome all my fears? Heck no! I don’t even know if I will, and that’s actually okay with me. What I do know is that seeing a little more clearly and a little more compassionately helps me to be curious, rather than contemptuous about myself and this mysterious, fascinating, sometimes-seriously-hard-to-deal-with adventure we call Life.

So here are the 4 phrases that I use for my Metta practice:

May I be filled with loving-kindness,

May I be peaceful and at ease,

May I be free from suffering and self-deception,

May I be healthy and happy, and free from fear.

The traditional phrases are: May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease. (I know, a lot less words!) For more information on Metta, Sharon Salzberg, a well-known Buddhist teacher, talks about the traditional practice in which you also offer these phrases for others. Personally, I like to do “drive-by Metta” silently for strangers I pass on the street, for the patients in passing ambulances and even for politicians & acerbic TV talk-show hosts! It provides me a small way to transform a wave of apprehension, anxiety or fear into an act of possibility.

Namaste, and may 2012 bring you peace, curiosity, compassionate self-awareness and ease of well-being!!

Pain happens

Hello again! Long time no post. There have been lots of changes happening for me recently, and for many people this is a time of change and transition. Just since this summer 4 people I know have moved out of Chicago with their families. A quick glance at the news will reveal that this is indeed a transformative time for humanity as a whole.

Change can be exciting and it can be challenging. In fact any process of transformation can involve both of those states – and sometimes both at once!

As humans we are often surprised when change happens, and when it is difficult. There is a mistaken notion that if we shouldn’t have to feel pain or discomfort supported by advertising and the media. Yet by virtue of being human, pain (in all its varying degrees) is an inevitable part of our experience. Sometimes the pain is emotional and sometimes it is physical. Either type becomes suffering through our reaction to it. When we resist, deny or reject difficult experiences, they tend to magnify – the pain insists on being felt.

One of the biggest sources of pain, I think, is this idea that what we are experiencing “should not be.” We use a lot of energy resisting what is already here. So, what is the solution? One of my favorite yoga teachers, Roger Eischens used to say “It is what it is.” I heard this phrase from him when he was dealing with the brain cancer that eventually caused his death. That simple phrase has saved me a lot of emotional wrangling. When I feel myself getting caught up in the debate of “this shouldn’t be happening to me” I hear Roger’s voice “It is what it is” and I surrender to the fact of the matter. Marsha Linnehan, who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy while working with severely suicidal patients describes the concept of “Radical Acceptance” – essentially a letting go of resistance to the truth of what is here.

A great deal of anxiety and stress can be released through this process of accepting what is. This doesn’t imply approval or complacency, but a simple act of acknowledging and letting go of resistance to the moment. I sense this as a physical shift – a visceral “letting go” of inner tension that I usually didn’t even realize I was holding. A spontaneous full breath usually follows. Sometimes I have to remind myself to do this multiple times as the tension creeps up again. And sometimes what is here really hurts and I get to feel the hurt without all the added tension created by the thought that the hurt shouldn’t be here. This process can take a long time, depending on the situation, and in those times, I try to notice the degrees of pain – acknowledging moments of relief – or moments of “less than” the pain or difficulty that was here before. By being willing to be with what is, I get back into the flow of life and inevitably, the hurt moves through and I come out on the other side.

A Spot of Sunshine

I was driving up McCormick Blvd yesterday afternoon and like so many other days in Chicago it was overcast for the 2^nd or 3^rd day in a row. Suddenly there appeared a spot of sunlight over the street, which stayed long enough for us to drive through it. It felt like such a treat – a spot of sunlight on a cloudy day – and if I hadn’t been paying attention, we would have missed it altogether. How often is life like that? When things seem bleak, can we pay attention and take pleasure in those little spots of sunshine? I like to call those little miracles – like not being able to find my keys and then having a sudden intuition or looking in just the right direction to see them in an otherwise hidden spot, or coming to an intersection to make a turn and having someone stop right away to let me in. I try to notice and give thanks for these little blessings and then they begin to add up, giving the impression that my life is full of blessings – and it is – except if I wasn’t paying attention to these “little” things, I probably wouldn’t notice how many there are! I’m convinced that the more you notice the more there are – kindof like positive reinforcement to the Universe :-).

Eventually the sun broke through the clouds and today is a gorgeously sunny day here in Chi. As we celebrate the sun I also send out prayers for those in Japan that their recovery from the devastation will be swift and certain. My heart aches in compassion for their suffering and at the same time I am grateful to be safe, and dry and warm.

Namaste!

Like falling snow…

I was watching the snow falling last week and was struck by its silence and gentleness. I remembered having the same impression watching a snow storm in New York in 1996 that practically shut the city down. Last week I was struck again by how this gently falling snow, so silent and light, could have such huge effects and how force is often not necessary to make a big change. In fact, as humans we often use much more force than is necessary, since we’ve come to believe that strenuous effort, even struggle, is necessary to get results.

As I watched the snow last week, I also recognized the effect of the falling snow on my body and my psyche. There is a spacious, expansive quality to falling snow – the snowflakes suspended in the air as they gently float to the ground. There is freedom in their surrender, and as I watched I could feel expansiveness, silence, and a sense of surrender. Something inside me settled and I felt lighter and more at ease.

Nature reflects the qualities that also exist in us – since we are Nature as well. As Nature hibernates and moves into low gear, might we also be encouraged to find time for stillness and quiet? Like the quality of the falling snow, perhaps we might take time to check in and acknowledge the spaciousness, expansiveness, silence and surrender that live within our own minds and bodies.

I’ve been listening to some wonderful guided meditations by Jeddah Mali. In one of these she invites us to notice the lightness that is here now. Thinking of the snow automatically (for me) brings that sense of lightness. Noticing the movement of my breath also helps me feel that lightness & expansiveness as physical sensation.

Sometimes when you’re struggling with day-to-day living, it is hard to imagine that there could be any relief because you’re focused on the struggle. But right here in your breath and in your body is the possibility of relief. It only takes a momentary shift of focus.

Notice how you feel now, notice body, breath and mind. What image brings a sense of lightness, expansiveness or ease for you? Perhaps something from Nature? Pick any image that resonates with you and notice how your body and breath might change as you hold that image in your mind. As you go about your day-to-day activities, you might want to check in with this feeling again and again.

May you experience lightness and ease of wellbeing this holiday season.