Change Archives - Francine Kelley, LCPC, SEP, RYT500

Giving up the quest: Lessons in being present

A journey of a thousand miles can be altered by a single step. Most often, we don’t choose the steps that alter our trajectory – a chance meeting, a phrase absently spoken by a stranger, a quote remembered, something interesting that your partner stops to watch on TV. Sometimes you end up in a place where so many steps have converged that you can’t even remember where it started, or which one was the defining step. My wonderful teacher Billie Topa Tate says in her Loving Kindness Meditation: “All that I have done. All that has been done to me… has brought me to this sacred space in time.” And so it is!

Just before Christmas my husband got to a TV program he thought I’d enjoy. It was a comedienne who had become an atheist talking about the journey that had led her there. This I would enjoy? It turns out she was funny and I could relate to a lot of her issues with the Bible, the established Church, and even the New Age movement. What was most disturbing to me, though, was that in her conclusion she mentioned how free she felt after giving up the notion of “God.” I was so envious of her. I could feeling a small sense of her relief, and it was at the same time intriguing and frightening. You mean I’d have to give up God to be “free!?”

The yoga sutras talk about kaivalya – which is translated as liberation or freedom. I used to think that the key to my liberation (enlightenment if you will) was hidden in all that ancient knowledge. Somehow, if I knew more, studied more, practiced more, I would find the cure to this longing that, it seems, had always been here. Years ago I got angry at my husband because he said that all those books weren’t going to tell me what I needed to know. He said all the answers I needed were inside me. This week, and I guess through a series of steps over a lifetime, it has become clear to me that knowing more, learning more, or doing more will not get the answers I’ve been seeking.

As much as I hate to admit it (and I hope he never reads this entry!) my husband’s assessment was pretty accurate. It’s not that the knowledge in all these books I’ve read has not been helpful – a lot of it has been very helpful to me and to my clients and students. What I found, though, is that the more I read and the more classes I took, the more I realized I didn’t know and the more inadequate I felt. If gaining knowledge was the source of my salvation, then salvation was a long way away. Maybe I was broken beyond repair. Maybe there wasn’t enough time in this lifetime to get all the information I really needed. There was definitely no way I could read all those books on the shelf and the entire Sounds True and Hay House catalogs and all the books of esoteric knowledge yet to be purchased on Amazon.com. I realized that this collecting of knowledge had become a different kind of consumerism and that the void wasn’t being filled, it was only getting bigger. Maybe it was time to stop. That was the beginning of peace.

Everything can change in a minute. And then you realize that its been changing all along without you realizing – and that nothing changed at all. Thanks to a series of fascinating events I finally allowed myself this week to risk accepting the notion that I was never broken in the first place. I met my Self seemingly for the first time, and found she was delightful. There was nothing to look for, no more seeking necessary. This very place, this very me, is wonderful. How did I not realize this before when other people kept telling me? Because despite teaching about living in the present, I had been living in the future, constantly longing for a time when I would be fixed, perfect, realized. As long as I thought of myself as needing to be more, I always perceived myself as not enough. It was a subtle realization, prompted by the wise & loving words of others spoken at just the right time so that I could actually hear, and the refrain of my “higher self” repeating over and over Zora Neale Hurston’s famous quote “I love myself when I am laughing, and then again when I am feeling mean and impressive.” It’s a small shift and a big shift, and it has changed my world – but the me that was me is still the same me. It’s just now that’s okay.

More Peaceful or less stressed? You choose.

More Peaceful or Less Stressed? You choose.

Our holiday intentions of peace, light and goodwill to all can quickly be upturned by the hustle and bustle of family visits, event planning, shopping, and all the other activities that seem to burn up the last 2 months of the year. Yet, from a spiritual perspective, this could be a time to turn inward, giving ourselves time to review the year and take note of the lessons we have learned. Even the notion of having time to do this type of introspection might cause a moment of panic: “There’s no time for all that!! I’ll do it next year when things settle down and I’m less stressed.” How much of our time is spent thinking about that magical time when we’ll be “less stressed?” Maybe it is just an issue of how we structure our perspective – we tend to focus on becoming less stressed, when what we really want is to be more peaceful.

I wrote a blog entry last winter about Becoming Peace in which I mentioned that when we say “I want to be less stressed” we actually focus on the stress and indeed perpetuate the notion of our stressfulness. On the contrary when we say “I want to be more peaceful” the mind hears “peaceful” and there is a subtle quieting that takes place within the body without any additional effort. In this way, through simple focus of attention, we begin to change our perspective and our actions often follow. We focus our intention on creating a space of peace and the time opens up for meditation or relaxation.

The yogis say that peace is actually our essence. Unconscious fluctuations of mind are what keep us from experiencing ourselves as Peace. This is all well and good in theory, but finding that peaceful essence is what seems to elude most of us. A speaker I heard recently mentioned that we put more effort into doing than we do into being still, and so that which you practice the most becomes what you are good at. You might say: “I can’t be still – it’s too hard. My mind races because I have so much to do and my body becomes restless.” My new favorite teacher Mooji encourages us to watch all these fluctuations as temporary. As you watch all those crazy thoughts and to-do lists and judgments and fears go by ask yourself the question “Who is watching all of this?.” We identify with our thoughts but our thoughts are not who we are. The thoughts arise in the mind, change, or fade away. The mind creates problems by taking advantage of our unconscious vulnerabilities. Brought into the light of consciousness, we find that many of our fears and compulsions are based on shaky logic. We find that we are running away from the very peace that we seek through our actions and choices. Though our thoughts often seem very real, they are temporary fluctuations of the mind – smoke and mirrors.

The awareness, the essence that we are is inherently peaceful and unchanging. Underneath the smoke and mirrors of our habitual thoughts and emotionality lies a still and steady awareness that is not vulnerable to harm. We have glimpses of this peace at times – for me it is usually on a warm beach with my eyes closed hearing the sound of the waves as they ebb and flow… or in meditation. If we can allow ourselves to focus on this peace, we can allow it to expand in our lives. But if we only focus on all we have to do and the far-off future when we will someday be less stressed, then we’re likely to get more of what we’re training for.

What is your net effect?

A recent conversation about activism and self-righteous anger has got me thinking about how we really make change in the world. Many of us are “working on ourselves,” and at the same time, trying to make a difference in the world around us. As activists we are attempting to change the societal structures which promote inequity and injustice, to raise our children to be conscious and compassionate, to encourage our politicians & legislators to incorporate fairness and equity into our governmental systems. This can be frustrating work, bringing us face-to-face with opposition, rejection, skepticism and even abuse from people who would rather things stay the way they are. Sometimes in the midst of all this struggle, we can become judgmental and angry at the world and the people in it who seem reluctant to “see the light.” I have begun to wonder, if we do all the work we can toward making the world a better place, but do it from a place of anger, judgment and self-righteousness, what kind of change are we really affecting? Do we in effect cancel out any good we’ve done? Do we end up with a net effect of zero?

I’ve been reading Thich Nhat Hahn’s books as required reading for a meditation teacher training with the Elesa Commerse, and his work has me thinking about how much activism in the world must be combined with a deep self-inquiry and mindfulness. If our ultimate goal is peace and harmony for humanity, then the very notion of “fighting” for something is incongruent. Fighting implies aggression, and aggression may result in surrender and domination, but these are not the same as peace. Anger met with anger breeds more anger. Aggression met with aggression results in more aggression. Judgment of another feeds a sense of separation. Besides the obvious effect on others, anger, aggression and judgment also constrict the individual who is expressing them.

In his book “Anger” Thich Nhat Hahn describes the chain of effects that occurs when one person acts out their anger. I yell at you, you carry your anger to the next person who upsets you and yell at them, then they act angrily toward someone else, and pretty soon your anger has multiplied itself – grown wings and launched itself into the world. Am I saying you should hold it in and allow it to burn you up? Not at all. There is a middle way – mindfully and compassionately acknowledging your anger, making friends with it if you will, and allowing it the space to exist as a valid emotion so that you can learn from it without needing to direct it at others. Then you can release it, just let it go. Emotions can be very deceiving, and anger is often a way of resisting that within you which needs to be welcomed, acknowledged and released. Our anger toward others is most often the projection of anger toward ourselves. Taken as a mirror, the object of our anger can be a valuable teacher.

I’ve heard people say that anger is a good thing. For myself I know it isn’t. When I’m angry my perspective constricts, I stop being reasonable and I become caught in what the yogis call “asmita” – a pre-occupation with “I,” “me,” and “mine.” In essence, when I’m angry it’s all about me. I have no desire to see the other person’s point of view or even to think of them as deserving a point of view. In fact, I have no patience for anyone at all. Moreover, this anger blinds me to the fact that what has made me angry is probably the reflection of some issue or trigger within me that needs to be compassionately addressed. When I’m angry there is very little room for reason or compassion. Beyond this, I can feel that it is a state that is not good for my body – I feel a crawling sensation on the skin of my neck, my breathing becomes shallow and I feel my blood pressure rising. Therefore, in this state, not only am I at risk of hurting others through my words and deeds, but I am also limiting and hurting myself and creating unnecessary suffering.

The Universal Law of Resistance states that you attract that which you resist. This is also consistent with the premise that “energy flows where attention goes.” If we are constantly focused on that which we oppose then we are actually allowing it to have a hold on us and feeding it energy. How often are we in opposition to something without creating an equally strong vision of what it is we are for? As a simple example, I think of working personally on being less judgmental. I tried to be less judgmental, but every I’d find myself being judgmental my mental noise would be something like this: “Oh, I’m being judgmental again, that’s terrible, I have to stop that!” So I judging myself for being judgmental! Rather than being opposed to my judgmental-ness, I see my judgment as an opportunity to see myself in that person, to practice being compassionate and understanding. In the end, this is really what I want – not to be less judgmental, but to be more understanding.

So back to this notion of net effect. A Course In Miracles teaches that whatever affects us most in the world outside is a reflection of our deeper inner self that is in need of healing. As we work with our causes can we use that which we oppose as mirrors of our own processes? If we are opposed to political aggression against the opposition, can this be a mirror to the ways in which we are aggressive or opinionated in our own ways of dealing with others? In our willingness to heal the world, can we be also conscious of the need to care for our own inner wounds? Sometimes this is the hardest work – to see ourselves honestly and with compassion. It is easier to deny that which is in us and fight against it in the world. If you believe, however, that we are all somehow connected, then that fight is actually still against ourselves. All the work in the world outside will bring only superficial change if the inner self still has not been changed. Perhaps if we were all willing to face our inner selves with courage and compassion there would be no need to “fight” for anything at all.

Being with what is

Have you ever noticed how when you’re supposed to get a message it just comes at you from everywhere? The last few days of working with The Sedona Method I’ve really had the opportunity to observe the vrittis – the fluctuations – of my mind. If it wasn’t so surprising it’d be funny (OK, it actually is funny) to see how a mind that gives the impression of being settled can be holding on to so much discontent & silliness. I thought I was good with being with what is. Apparently – not so much. So yesterday, in the midst of my impatience about not being fully enlightened after 7 whole weeks of letting go, I had the clear intuition that it was time to stop and just be.

As I was reading Facebook status updates yesterday, of course the topic of resting in awareness came up multiple times. Then today, the Facebook app “God wants you to know” told me:

“It’s okay. Just rest for a moment. It’s OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And … it’s … just … OK.”

She must really be keeping an eye on me!

A little while ago Byron Katie tweeted: “All sadness is a tantrum.” That really hit home for me. These last few days of watching my monkey mind I’ve realized how any act of not being with what is, is really a tantrum. Think about it. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired or bored. Other than that they’re pretty much content to just be in the world. Fluctuations come and go and they’re quickly back to just being. Then they turn 15 months or so and suddenly, tantrums. What’s a tantrum? A tantrum is wanting something other than what is. More specifically, a tantrum is wanting things your way. So after all this time, I find out I’m spiritually still a 2 year old!

Yoga teaches that all suffering is based on ignorance – i.e. the unwillingness or inability to see things as they are. Having now truly recognized the workings of this discontent in my own mind, yesterday as I walked to my class, I practiced noticing what came up in awareness. Then, instead of letting go of anything I simply let go of wanting to change whatever came to mind, and whatever sensations or feelings came up in my body. By the time I got to class there was a deep feeling of settled-ness. Ahhh. No more tantrums – at least for that moment! Maybe there’s hope for me yet 😉

(On a side note, I love, love, love the way my students teach me & keep me in check – thanks! You are great blessings on my journey).

Letting Go – In The Present

I have some of my best insights in the shower. Recently I’ve been thinking about my own resistance and this morning in the shower it came to me that our views about the future are shaped by experiences in the past, but we can only work to overcome any of that it in the present. Not rocket science, I’ve read Eckhart Tolle too, but I’d never stated this fact so simply in my own mind.

We talk all the time about letting go of the past, but how can you let go of something that has already happened? Really all you can work with is the residue of the past that still exists in the present. That said, some of that residue can feel pretty darn close to the original experience. As an example, you’re having a memory of a car accident, and it brings up anxiety, fear, maybe even panic. That anxiety exists now. Yes, it comes from a memory of something that happened in the past, but it is the present experience that colors your reality now. This is the only thing that you can really work with. The past is over, the future hasn’t yet happened. All we can really explore is our present experience.

Sometimes the way we remember and therefore experience an event now is not even the same as what happened in the past. That is why trying to let go of the past through “understanding the past” is not always effective. If anything needs to be “understood” it is the present experience, and even then, ‘understanding’ tends to be an analysis we do in our heads, and this process can also prevent us from really being present with the experience. The yogis talk about samskaras – the latent impressions (scars if you will) that influence our perceptions in the present. The more mindful we can become of our present experience, the more likely that these samskaras can be recognized and released.

There are so many ways that we resist or avoid our present moment experience. I personally have a tendency to dissociate into my head by thinking and analyzing – trying to ‘understand’ the experience – essentially making up a story about it. Or I might close my eyes and dissociate inside by blocking out the world outside. Another way is to deflect the intensity of the experience by blaming someone else (another story), or to escape into a distraction. Computers, TVs, cell phones, mp3 players –all these gadgets can provide us with distractions and allow us to separate from being mindful of what we are experiencing in the ‘real world.’ Addictions can be born of the constant need to separate from what might be a painful emotional experience of the present. The past is not what is being avoided, but the experience that lives now.

The future is shaped by the past through our continued experience of the present. The future can be shaped by the past through our continued avoidance of the present. Pema Chodron talks about the baby bird in the nest and the nest is getting dirty but the bird won’t fly out. Look around baby bird, it’s time to fly.

Letting go Part 2 – But How?

A few weeks ago I was at a seminar with a lot of stressed people and highly charged emotions. I found myself reacting with judgment and anger as my own ego sensitivities and vulnerabilities were triggered. I finally got so sick and tired of carrying around the weight of all these emotions, impressions, judgments about other people, and fears about myself, that I remember thinking “I just want this all to be gone!” I had an insight in that moment that I could make the choice to let it all go – just drop it. And so I did. I imagined all that weight like carrying a huge stack of books and just dropped it all. What a relief!

I’d love to take credit for my sudden insight, but I have to admit that it was another marvelous progression on this Journey of Life. Many months ago one of my yoga students mentioned The Sedona Method. She had been to a seminar and tried to explain it to me. I didn’t really get it at the time, but it seemed interesting. A short while later, I saw the book in my chiropractor’s office and read a few pages which sparked my interest, but didn’t really explain the method. I still wasn’t interested enough to buy the book. So when I started to get tired of all my emotional wrangling, I asked (of Source) “How should I deal with this?” The answer came back “The Sedona Method.” I still wasn’t convinced enough to pay for the book, (after all it could have been my “imagination” that was answering, right?) so I called the person who first mentioned it to me and asked her if she could lend me the book. She was generous enough to also lend me the CDs from her seminar.

I finally started listening to the CDs after the seminar mentioned above, and smiled as I realized that the Sedona Method is all about letting go. I had already been guided by Source into the process of the Method before knowing that I was doing it – fun!

So what is this Sedona Method? Based on what I’ve learned so far, it’s very simple (I love simple!) First you acknowledge what you’re feeling. Hale Dwoskin is the author of the book and describes “welcoming” the emotion. I don’t relate well to the word “welcoming,” but I prefer to recognize what I’m feeling with interest. For me, it also works to check into what is below the surface emotion. Most often I’ve found fear in many guises – vulnerability, embarrassment, shame, doubt. So the Method says: Can you welcome what you’re feeling? Could you let it go? Would you let it go? When? Sometimes, as Wayne Dyer mentions in his Excuses Be Gone audiobook, you just have to be tired enough of your situation to be willing to change. The question asked in The Sedona Method is: would you rather continue to suffer, or would you rather be free? It’s really that simple. The reasons that we hold on are complicated what makes it complicated.

So, given the option, or the opportunity to be free, why would anyone continue to suffer? I’ve found that sometimes the suffering is more familiar. Sometimes we’ve held on to it for so long that we don’t know who we’d be without it – there is an existential fear that we would somehow cease to exist if we change our current state, or that we would lose something of who we are. This is usually because we identify our emotions as who we are, rather than recognizing them as temporal states of being over which we can have control. Sometimes the suffering allows us to blame someone else rather than looking at our own responsibility in the situation. And sometimes, the suffering is a cover for a deeper sense of vulnerability that we feel incapable of facing. Dwoskin mentions in the audio series the people often step into the fire of their emotions, feel overwhelmed, and then jump right out. The difficult emotions, however are the surface crust over the peaceful center that exists within each of us. If we can be courageous enough to spend some time getting through the crust, we can eventually get to that peaceful core.

I’m not insinuating that it is easy. Having worked with trauma survivors in psychotherapy, and having worked with my own issues, I know that it can take time to develop the willingness and the skills to be able to experience and observe our difficult emotions without being overwhelmed. Part of the challenge is to be able to hold our emotional states and observe ourselves gently, and with curiosity, rather than identifying our emotions as who we are: “I am weak” is not the same as “I feel weak.” The second statement allows some detachment from the emotion. Mindfulness meditation or mindfulness practice helps us to cultivate the ability to hold our emotions in awareness with detachment, so that we don’t become overwhelmed. For some people, simply being able to be present with an emotion releases its hold.

Accessing the body as an information source is also helpful. After all, emotions live in the body. For instance, how do you know that you’re feeling anxious? Butterflies in the stomach, heart racing, shoulders drawn up to the ears, maybe habitual gesturing with the hands? Sensorimotor (body-centered) psychotheraphy is based on the premise that rather than just talking, which is a brain-centered activity that happens above the neck, we must get into the place where the emotions actually exist – the body – and work with & release them there. Perhaps this is why yoga is so effective as a healing system. This is also why people often find emotional release through physical activity and through bodywork (such as massage or rolfing). The body allows us to access emotional states that the mind might not even recognize or be willing to handle. I’ve seen significant changes come about through body-centered psychotherapy both as a therapist and as a client.

So based on my interest and experience with body-centered psychotherapy, and based on my own inclination to work kinesthetically, I use this physiological awareness with the Sedona Method, recognizing where the emotions live in my body and then making the choice to let them go. Sometimes I also like to use visual imagery, to see the emotions dissolve, and disappear into thin air. Some people who are more verbal might like to use words or phrases.

I’ve had some interesting revelations into my own process since I started this intense work of releasing. It has been challenging at times to accept what I’m uncovering, and at time it has been really fun – I highly recommend it.

Being In the Flow

Ever since I first heard of “going with the flow” as a girl, I’ve known that is what I want. As a child I imagined a cosmic river and me riding on it – no boat – just me and this flow. Intuitively I sensed the power of this state – a glimmer of the bliss that must ensue from this total surrender. But even then, just the thought of riding this wave with total surrender was as terrifying as it was beguiling.

As an adult I realize that my life thus far has been a search for this place of letting go. It seems the more I read that all the esoteric teachings point to the same truth – this letting go is not a giving up, but a returning to the source of what we already are. So then why is it so darn scary to me? And if not scary, then definitely elusive. (I can only speak for myself – but I’m guessing I’m not the only one who feels this way…?).

Perhaps my fear has to do with viewing the whole thing as a quantum leap from Here to There. Instead, maybe I need to just be taking it in smaller increments. Like maybe if I can give up today my attachment to my opinions by not judging another person’s actions, then I’m moving a little more into the Flow. Maybe if I can give up my worry about one small thing and instead trust that it will be taken care of, I’m moving a little more into the Flow. Maybe if I can be open to the wisdom that comes from a bumper sticker in traffic or the answer that pops off the page of an already-opened book, then I’m moving a little more into the Flow. Maybe if I can give thanks for a chance meeting with an old friend, or a new friend, then I’m moving a little more into the Flow. Maybe I’m already more in the Flow than I thought… maybe it isn’t something to achieve, but a state being more aware of what already is. Hmmm.

The World We See

I remember clearly part of the first conversation I had with my (now) husband, over a decade ago. He said that humanity was more peaceful, and more supported now than it had been in previous history. This assertion blew my mind. I had bought into the notion of “the good old days,” which we seem to fall into, even in the absence of evidence to the affirmative. My husband pointed out that the world historically had been more savage, and life more difficult with less ammenities. Therefore, he concluded, humanity was actually better off now than we ever had been and things were getting better all the time. (I might add that I call my husband a “pathalogical optimist!”).

I had to really stretch to wrap my mind around this idea of human progress. After all, there were still wars, still racism, still poverty, still uncurable illnesses. To accept that his opinion could be valid meant I had to change the way I thought about things — change my perspective. I can still remember the feeling in my head when I tried to do that. It felt as if my brain had to change to accommodate this alternatiave perspective.

Tonight I was talking about some of the teachings around 2012. Rather than a portent of doom or gloom, it is seen by some as an opportunity for humanity to make some wonderful choices and to take an evolutionary leap. As such, humanity is evolving toward a higher state of consciousness. As I look around I see what seem to me to be signs of this progress. Yoga is everwhere; you can buy “chakra” aromatherapy items in the supermarket; I can talk about ‘energy’ and nobody thinks I’m crazy; my conservative Catholic mom is telling me about the Law of Attraction; we have a Black president with a powerful wife; crowds gathered in support of Obama’s anticipated victory in Chicago last November and people were nice to each other; the Internet has connected us to friends, relatives and strangers all over the planet.

There have been so many changes recently – structures breaking down, and hopefully new and more positive structures will take their place (as the 2012 pundits have anticipated). I meet so many people are working toward becoming better versions of themselves: more peaceful, more aware, less reactive. I know these people exist – I see them everyday. They are my friends, my clients, my students, my co-workers. They are courageous and commited human beings doing the deep soul-searching work to overcome their own limitations and limiting beliefs, and supporting others to do the same.

Sure, we can always find the dark clouds that obscure our silver lining view of the positive progression. But if the clouds and the silver lining both exist, isn’t it just a matter of figuring out what you want to focus on? I’ve found that recognizing the positives gives me the energy to go to work on the challenges that we still need to overcome. In no way am I ignoring that these negatives exist, but when that’s all you see on the news, it’s hard to accept or know that there is something else. But there is.

I believe that we are going to save our planet (and therefore ourselves). I believe that we have the capacity as a human race to do what we need to do so that the future is brighter for our children and for generations to come. I believe that we have so much more potential than we currently allow ourselves to experience. And I continue to believe that despite the news which tells us otherwise, we are living in a magical time.

Learning from each other

I told a good friend about the Winter Feast for the Soul and about my belief that we have to create the peace inside that we want to see manifest in the world. She responded that in her worldview, you can only create peace in relationship to others. Of course, I think we’re both on to something.

As I understand it, A Course In Miracles talks about the world as a projection of our own internal space. For example, when you meet someone who is really aggravating to you, there is a good chance that what you find aggravating in that person is actually present within you – but perhaps absent from your conscious awareness, or repressed. According to the Course, if we can forgive that grievance in the other, we can also forgive it within ourselves. Ultimately what that means to me is that our interactions with others provide rich fodder for exploring our own inner landscapes. Usually when someone touches off your hot buttons it is more about you than it is about them. Ultimately each charged interaction provides an opportunity to learn a new lesson about ourselves.

The marvelous thing (in my view) about this notion that the world reflects our inner space, is that the beauty that you acknowledge inside will also be reflected in our exterior world. Many years ago I went to a taping of an audio series by Carolyn Myss and Norm Shealy. One of the exercises was to think of some positive quality of yourself. I was floored. I couldn’t think of one positive quality. It took me weeks to think of something, and what I came up with was compassion. People who have always known me will probably say: “Come on, Francine! You had to know you had lots of positive qualities!” Well, it’s one thing what the outside world recognizes, and entirely another what a person will accept for themselves.

Pema Chodron in her book “When Things Fall Apart” talks about bodhichitta (awakened consciousness). She mentions that bodhichitta can start like a small hole in a dam that lets through a tiny trickle of water. That trickle eventually wears away at the wall until the whole thing comes tumbling down. For me, this small recognition of my one positive quality was like that small hole in the dam. After that I ended up through a series of “coincidences” starting my yoga teacher training, meeting my Reiki teacher and studying energy healing, and quitting my job to study counseling. From that one point of acknowledging my own worth, I find myself surrounded by amazing, enlightened, compassionate, conscious beings who bring me even further into awareness of the beauty that lies “out there.”

So while the challenges of the outside world teach us about ourselves, recognizing our own positive qualities can also lead us to be more open to attracing people who have those qualities into our lives. What is peace, after all, but opening to being more compassionate with yourself and with those around you?

Winter Feast for the Soul started on Thursday. You can join in anytime if you’re interested – As the organizer Valerie Skonie says, “Forty days is forty days.” You just start counting from one.

Releasing the Struggle

So here we are again at the start of another year (yay!). I’ve decided to set some goals for this year and to finally make a vision board to help me visualize those goals. But just so I don’t get overwhelmed, I’ve also decided to take it all one day at a time.

Dunno about you, but this whole Life thing can seem a little (or a lot) overwhelming sometimes. This year I turn 40, and I guess it has taken me this long to figure out that I can’t do everything at once, or do it all perfectly. It has also taken this long to really accept how much of my stress is just mental struggle. Really. The idea that something is going to be hard creates so much more heaviness and resistance than just letting go of the mental baggage and doing it!

For example, January 15 begins the Winter Feast for the Soul, described as “a 40-day worldwide spiritual practice period for people of all faiths everywhere.” (See more info below) Thousands of people all over the world joining together with the intention to grow our spirits and increase the peace in the world. When I first heard about it I thought: “This is so cool!” And my next thought was “40 minutes! Where can I find 40 more minutes every day!?” Mental anguish. Resistance. The antithesis of Peace! But I guess this Yoga thing must be working because my next thought was: “For heaven’s sake, just do it! You probably spend that much time on Facebook and email!” So, to my Facebook friends, after Jan 15 you’ll have to call me!

As a friend pointed out (on Facebook :-), we can approach this 40-day commitment (and all our commitments) with perfectionism and stress, or we can resolve to do the best we can. Maybe I won’t make 40 minutes every day. Maybe I’ll miss a day. But if I’m practicing peace that means being peaceful with myself by not beating myself up (the yogic practice of ahimsa – non harming). So much of peace has to do with letting go of our mental baggage, the samskaras that block our ability to view things as they really are. Through the practice of santosha (contentment) we let go of the stories we create and accept what is. It is a lifetime of practice – one day at a time.

This year, I hope to approach my resolutions with that same sense of peacefulness. I hope to recognize when I’m bringing mental stress into my goals and creating a struggle where it doesn’t need to be. I plan to let go of the mental baggage, and just do what needs to be done. If I fall, I’ll just get up and start again without giving up on the whole process or beating up on myself.

May your 2009 be filled with many, many wonderful moments. May even the sorrows and the disappointments be openings for Grace.