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December 2012 - Francine Kelley, LCPC, SEP, RYT500

Month: December 2012

Learning from your past self

Cleaning up the files on my computer I found the file of an old blog post A Ghost In The House which I wrote ages ago.  As I read it I thought: “Ya, that’s really true, I should do that!!”

Sometimes we fall back into our patterns, even when we know a different way to be.  Writing helps us keep a record of what we know to be true.  A journal is a great way to keep track of insights and new awarenesses that may be forgotten.  You could keep a journal either on paper or online.  You could even create a “journal” email address and send emails to yourself at that address. Then you can read them over later.  You can send yourself letters of encouragement or reminders of the ways you appreciate yourself and your life.

In that post I talk about letting go of my need to be right.  As I become more aware , I realize how much that need is a misdirected attempt at self-protection.  It’s based on the premise:  “If I’m right then I’m safe and my sense of myself is safe.  If I’m not right then my sense of self is threatened.” My bodymind responds to this threat as if it is real.  But it isn’t.

There are lots of situations that we interpret as threatening even though they actually have no ability to really harm us.  We go into a “fight or flight” response (or freeze or collapse/shut down) without recognizing that we’re responding as if we’re physically threatened.  What is really threatened is our sense of self.  If that can be allowed to be changeable, then we needn’t be so afraid of the opinions of others.

Beyond your opinions, beliefs, knowledge, titles and possessions, who are you really?  Are you curious about the essence beyond the armor?  What is your authentic self?

Change happens. Move with the cheese!

This has been an intense year for me.  A year of change and growth. A year of new discoveries.  I’ve learned things about myself that I didn’t imagine I could know.  And most of all, I’ve learned that fear often prevents us from doing things that are actually not as difficult as the fear leads us to believe.

We live in a constant state of change.  Our thoughts, emotions, sensations, and motivations are constantly shifting. We imagine that we can keep things the same, but this is an illusion.  Change is a constant. We grow older with each minute, we get hungry, we are happy, we become sad.  This is the nature of life in a human body.   The idea that we should always be happy, or always content or always productive – all these are belief systems that are contrary to the ways things actually are.
The book Who Moved My Cheese (also available on audio) is a great story/parable by Dr. Spencer Johnson that talks about how we deal with change.  It’s worth a listen/read if you don’t know it.  One of the lessons from the story is:  “If you do not change, you can become extinct.”  Another great one is:  “The quicker you let go of the old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy the new cheese.”
So if we accept that change is a constant, we have some choices to make in terms of how we relate to change.  I’ve learned a lot from my kids on this subject.  Left to their own instincts, little kids view the world with curiosity and with awe.  Every change is fascinating.  I’ve watched young children when faced with a new experience first pause, or even startle – perhaps a quick move away.  Even when there is some fear or hesitation, almost immediately they also become curious and try to move closer to investigate. They haven’t yet learned to rush to judgment first – they are still fascinated by each new thing.
What if we adults could have that same childlike curiosity and wonder about our own changes.  In fact I think that’s what’s gotten me through this year with some measure of peace.  I’m learning to be curious about my life experiences rather than judgmental.  It’s not always simple or easy.  In fact sometimes it’s downright hard.  But even the difficult times can be observed as interesting – even fascinating.  And when you’re fascinated by what’s happening, change becomes a collaborative process – an adventure even, rather than something that’s imposed or unwelcome.  The question becomes not, “How can I stop this change from happening to me?” but “How can I be with this change so that I grow from the process?” 
In the process, a healthy dose of self-compassion and humor also helps! So “Savor the adventure and enjoy the taste of new cheese!”